The latest batch of movies, I have limited myself to only 2021/2022 movies but I may have to change that as I run low on movies.

No Time To Die 2:43 – 7.5 – Not going to lie. It took me three attempts to get through this one. I realized when I was watching it, that of all the movie series I have seen, Star wars, Vacation, etc I have seen more James Bond movies than any other. And this one was the worst one. No cool opening stunt. And sleeping with women 1/3 his age was just creepy.  Way more drama than needed. No really cool gadgets. I only liked the ending. I give it 3.5

Spiderman: No Way Home 2:28 – 8.5 – Would probably have been a lot better if I hadn’t had to watch it in CAM vision with people’s heads and popcorn. Movie brings back all the old favorites which makes it a good nostalgia flick. Doctor Strange is pretty good in this one too. Movie has some surprises that I won’t ruin. I give it the 8.5

The Last Duel 2:33 – 7.6- Was she raped or was it consensual? That is the burning question behind the whole movie and leads to the duel. The movie would have been much shorter except it keeps replaying some scenes multiple times leaving me to wonder if I was having deja-vu attacks. The duel was pretty good though. I give it 5.0 for the old timey duel.

Free Guy 1:55 – 7.8 – I had to watch this twice because the first time was on the living room TV with no soundbar, thus I only heard half of the dialogue. It was worth the second watch. Definitely a movie for gamers as they love to throw the anachronisms out. Ryan Reynolds not his usual smart ass but just a nice GUY trying to rank up. I loved the almost completed DUDE. Well worth a watch. I give it a 9.0 for originality and being a good movie.

Snake Eyes: GI Joe Origins 2:01 – 6.8 – Everybody was Kung-fu Fighting. The song just kept popping into my head as I watched 2 hours of kung-fu fighting. It was almost too much kung-fu fighting, but now I know why GI Joe came with kung-fu grip. I had always thought it was for masturbation but now I know it was so he could keep Snake Eyes in line if he got uppity and questioned Joe’s authority over the unit. Wasn’t great or terrible so I give it 6.0

Chaos Walking 1:49 – 6.8 -  Spiderman has to save a woman whose spaceship crash lands on earth. The whole town wants her dead, and everyone can read minds which made some of the dialogue hard to follow. Kind of a Scanners meets Deliverance movie. I did find the end to be anti-climactic though. I give it 6.4

Last Man Down 1:27 – 6.8 – Scandinavian movie. “Lars” is an ex-special services guy that has to save a woman who darkens his way out of the way doorstep. Bad guys want her blood because it may be a cure for the pandemic that’s ending the world. I was hoping for zombies, but no. I don’t know how many henchmen one bad guy can afford but Lars and the woman kill about 300 of them. And that’s the whole movie. Just terrible. I’m starting to think that Cinema’s rating of 6.8 is a default if no one is dumb enough to rate the movie. I give it 4.5.

Swim 1:27  - 7.6- I’ve always felt bad that I never forced myself to sit through any Sharknado movie, and because of that, I have offended the movie gods. Then I stumble across this shark movie with a 7.6 rating. I say to myself “no way a shark movie is a 7.6!” Boy, was I correct.  A combination of terrible acting with horrid special effects. The shark is the only believable actor in the whole movie. I give this 1.0 for the shark’s acting and feel I’ve paid my debt to shark movies.  

Last Shootout 1:26 – 6.4- I can’t put my finger on why this movie was bad. Maybe because they had to prop Bruce Dern up to say his lines. Maybe it’s because I still hold a grudge against Dern for The Cowboys. It seemed like even though the people were fighting for their lives, all they cared about was eating. Nobody could hit the broad side of a barn with their guns, plus the bad guys brought pistols to a long-distance rifle fight. Poor planning. I give it 3.5

 Amber claims most of my movie reviews are negative but its not my fault that many of the movies that come out are just turds. Several that I watch I'm pretty sure will be turds before I even start. but then I find that one good movie that makes it worth it. If anyone watches a movie and totally disagree with my review let me know. I'm down for a movie discussion.

The Green Knight 2:10 – 6.6 – What a piece of shit!!! This kind of movie is what happens when someone shoots a movie while on a speedball combination of LSD, peyote, and mushrooms. It was completely full of symbolism which I never understand anyway. When it was over I muttered Thank God and turned to the internet to see what it was supposed to be about. This is what I got   “If you have seen it, you’re probably wondering what the hell Sir Gawain and the Green Knight is about. The short answer is—we’re not entirely sure. Nobody alive is. The long answer is—well, a journey…” . I hated it and give it the appropriate 0.0 unsuitable for any audience.

SAS: Red Notice 2:00 – 5.9 – I watched this one on accident because it popped up when I selected a different movie. Happens all the time on Cinema.  But it started off with action so I watched it. Typical action flick. An evil paramilitary organization led by 3 psychopaths (not sure why you need 3 but the movie made it a point by giving us the definition of the word psychopath). They kidnap a train in the tunnel under the English channel but don’t realize a one man army of good is on holiday on the train. Only the final death scene in this movie is good. I agree with the 5.9 rating. Not terrible but not good.

Titane 1:48 – 6.6 – I was intrigued by the woman laying across the hood of a hot car. Maybe a movie about shooting rock videos of the 80’s? Movie starts with hot girls dancing on muscle cars. So far so good. After the show the main girl kills a fan who was stalking her. OK, he deserved it. Then the car she was dancing on shows up in apartment garage. She gets in and it rapes her. Huh? She then goes on a murder spree because it turns out she’s a serial killer. A victim escapes so she goes into hiding by claiming she is the long-lost son of some firefighter. That’s when the movie gets weird. In the end she dies giving birth to a baby born with a metal spine. And here’s the kicker; the movie's French and completely subtitled. I double dog dare any of you to sit through this one. Gratuitous nudity raises my rating to a .3

One Shot 1:37 – 6.9 – Should have been an easy prisoner transfer from some tiny island where they torture terrorist prisoners. But some bad guys show up in an old school canvas army truck that I can only assume they drove underwater to the island. They want the same guy for some reason I never understood. What follows is an hour long shootout with sooooo many dead bad guys I had to assume the army truck was really a clown car spewing out bad guys. Don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie. I give it a 5.8

Wild Indian 1:30 - 6.3 – Abused Indian kid kills another kid in the woods and gets his friend to help cover it up. Friend grows up in and out of prison and the killer goes on to be rich and successful. Friend finally gets remorseful and confesses to helping bury body 34 years ago. The ending sucks and I didn’t understand it. Maybe since Coleman is one with the Indians he can watch it and explain it to me. With the shitty ending I give it 3.0

Don’t Look Up 2:23 – 7.4 – I went into this Academy Award Nominee hating Leonardo DiCapprio ever since I paid hard earned money to watch Shitter Island. Not sure I’ve ever liked a Meryl Streep movie. And I don’t like movies about politics. Yet, I did like this movie about an asteroid headed for earth. Make sure you watch into the credits to see the final end to the movie.  I give it 8.4

The Unforgivable 1:52 -7.6 – Total drama about Sandra Bullock getting out of prison after 20 years for killing a sheriff. She is looking for her sister while the cop’s kids plot revenge. Movie is confusing at first but eventually all makes sense. At least this movie has a real ending that makes sense. I give it a 6.5

Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild 1:22 – 8.0 – Crash and Eddy, the possums, are the funniest characters since the penguins. Maybe funnier. And I liked Buck Wild from the Ice age Lost World movie. Together they are hilarious. Even with all the movies I still need to watch, I had to watch this twice and laughed through it both times. I give it a 9.7 because the bad guy isn’t that scary.

Movies I watch So You Don't Have To

 

King Richard 2:25 – 8.1 – When I saw this on the academy award list (which means I HAVE to watch it, I so dreaded it. I was sure I’d hate it. I wanted to hate it. I didn’t hate it. It starred Will Smith as Venus and Serena’s dad. It was funny at times and an uplifting feel good movie. It makes feel like a traitor to all I believe in in movies but I have to agree with the 8.1

Last Night In Soho 1:57 – 7.5 – I had no idea what to expect with this one because I had no idea what it was about. Now I know it was about 1.5 hours too long. A girl rents an apartment in Soho and her mind gets taken over by a woman who wanted to be a singer in Soho in the 60’s but got turned into a whore by her manager. Twist at the end but not sure it was worth sitting through to see it. I give it 4.0

The French Dispatch 1:48 – 7.4 – It started off promising. Bill Murray as the boss of a French magazine. The movie is broken down into short stories from the last issue. The first two stories were pretty funny and I thought I had discovered a gem. The second half was terrible and not funny, even though I think it was supposed to be. I was mostly just confused. A good first half I give a 9 and a bad second half I give a 1 so it averages out to a 5.

Matrix Resurrections 2:28 – 7.5 – This movie rely relies on you remembering everything that happened in the first three. I barely remembered that there were 3 movies let alone what happened in any of them. But they showed enough flashbacks to help me along so I wasn’t totally lost. Lots of kung fu fighting, some bullet dodging, blue pill/red pill, same old stuff. Not super awesome but not terrible either. I give it 6.5

Red Notice 1:57 – 6.8 – I was a disappointed with Free Guy because I expect all Ryan Reynolds characters to be smartass with hilarious dialog. This movie was everything I wanted in a Ryan Reynolds movie. He is the worlds 2^nd greatest art thief which pisses him off. The Rock is an FBI agent trying to catch him. Of course it turns into a buddy flick ala Hitman’s Bodyguard (which was slightly better because Samuel L > the Rock). Another movie that it took me forever to watch because I had to rewind the funny stuff to watch again. I give it 9.8

 MOVIES I HAVE SAT THROUGH  II scale of 1-10.  Cinema rating 1^st, mine at the end

Antlers 1:39 -6.4 – Do not watch this movie under any circumstances!! Not even under a double dog dare.  Not even if someone was paying you money to watch it. A large dog with horns under an Indian curse kills and eats people although you never see until the end. Why is it all forest monsters live in the woods of Oregon anyway?  Sounds like a good state not to visit. Unless you bring a dog whistle. I give it .5

Bruised 2:09 – 7.0 – A fun movie to watch if you drink a shot every time you see something that was taken straight out of Rocky. This movie is nearly an exact ripoff  including the training montage. The only thing I found different was I don’t think Rocky had sex with his trainer or I missed it if he did. But if you are still semi sober and make it to the end I thought the big fight was well done.  Or you could skip all the movie and just watch the fight. I give it 5.5

Gunpowder Milkshake 1:54 – 6.4 – I liked this movie because I’ve never seen a movie about a woman who was a trained assassin. I felt like any minute balloons and confetti would drop from the roof as I watched my 100^th movie with the same plot. This one was kind of a ripoff of Leon:The Professional but with chicks. The mom was Circe the bitch from Game of Thrones. But I do like a good action movie with lots of slow motion killing to a good soundtrack so I give it 8.0

Sing 2 1:42- 7.6 - I do like my animated kids movies and this one was a decent  sequel. They used decent songs, several that I knew, for the movie so I could handle the fact it was a musical. Was pretty surprised to hear Bono in it so not surprised to hear U2 songs. At least they didn’t pick the shitty U2 songs. I give it a 7.8

Finch 1:55 – 8.1- I guess Tom Hanks doesn’t like acting competition in his movies cause here’s another one he’s the only one in. But this time is because nearly everybody is dead. He builds a robot to take care of his dog after he dies. Then I was treated to two hours of watching him cough up blood. Real happy movie. But at least it was an original idea and after watching so many movies that are direct ripoffs of others it was kind of refreshing.  So I gave it 7.5

CODA 1:52 – 8.2  I could live with the drama. I could live with the singing. But it was so hard to watch a movie with deaf people flapping their arms wildly and constantly and not understanding a thing they were trying to say. The movie needed subtitles for the hearing impaired for a movie about the hearing impaired. Had a few funny moments. Academy Award nominee, I give it 3.0

APEX 1:48 – 5.5 Watched this before my rule of not watching anything below a 6.0 rating. And because I haven’t seen too many bad Bruce Willis movies. Dumb move!! Willis agrees to be hunted on an island to get out of prison. Then does nothing but wander around the island while all the hunters eventually kill each other. This movie is horrible. I give it 1.0

Last Shootout 1:26 – 6.4 – The type of western that looks like it was shot with a cell phone. The kind where you expect to see cars whizzing by in the background. They are supposed to be out in the middle of nowhere but you can see houses in the background. Barely any shooting. Turrible, just terrible. I give it 1.0

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City 1:47 – 6.1 – Yet another pharmaceutical company poisons all the residents of the  town and turns them into flesh eating zombies. People should not live in towns with such companies cause it always turns out this way. I like a good zombie movie but give me twist or anything different. Super predictable because its been done at least 50 times already. Boooooring. I give it 2.0 and feel that’s generous.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife 2:04 – 7.3 – Imagine watching the original Ghostbusters but without any of the comedy. Egon (Harold Ramis) dies and leaves his house to his broke daughter and her kids. Most of the original ghosts make their return in some podunk town in the middle of nowhere. But, just when I was hoping Zuul was going to end the world and the movie…. the original ghostbusters show up and save the movie kind of. They had to bring Ramos back as a ghost because he really died in 2014. You have to watch through the credits for some extra stuff that’s funny. I give it 6.5

The Harder They Fall 2:19 – 6.8 -  Why???? Why do I sit thru soooo many shitty movies?? For this!! The best western I have seen in many years. Take a spaghetti western of the past, then replace the dubbed Italians with an all black cast. Replace the Ennio Morricone soundtrack with some reggae. Leave the closeups on the squinty eyes. Add generous bloodspray in the many deathscenes. Throw in a twist at the end. Do all that, and you have a movie that I give a 10.

Movies I have Sat Through but Probably Shouldn't Have

 

MOVIES I HAVE SAT THROUGH   rating scale of 1-10.  Cinema rating 1^st, mine at the end

Black Widow 2:14- 7.6 - I didn’t dislike this as much as Coleman. although it was about an Avenger that I could give two shits about. Only thing that could have made it better was if Hawkeye was in it and he got killed.. I give it 5.8.

Eternals 2:36- 7.1 -  I didn’t know this was a Marvel superhero movie, but not a good Marvel movie. Superheros fighting alien dogs. None of them is a likable hero. I was rooting for them all to die. The movie title should have warned me. I felt it would never end. I give it 4.4 for Angelina Jolie’s skimpy outfit. Otherwise 3.5. More bad news, if you sit through the credits, there’s more movie that threatens a sequel.

Reno 911! The Hunt for QAnon 1:25- rating 8.3 - fucking hilarious from start to finish with all the characters back. Took me forever to watch because I had to keep rewinding to watch the funny stuff twice. I give it 9.7 instead of a 10 because I had to sit thru Trudi dancing during the credits. Some stuff you can’t unsee.

Pleasure 1:45 - 6.7 – Swedish girl comes to America to become a porn star and screws her way to the top, literally. I watched it because I was curious how far a major motion picture would take it. Further than I thought. Not a first date or watch with the in-laws movie. I guess the moral of the movie is you can make a lot of money in porn. I give it a 1.3.

Respect 2:25 – 6.8 – Not real happy I had to sit through this one but it was next on the list. Super long with wall to wall drama and soul music, two things I most dislike in a movie. I thought that having a Wayons brother in it might have a funny moment but no, all he did was smack her around, which really wasn't that funny.. Did I mention how long it was. I did hear her 3 songs I actually knew, and did learn a little about recording back in the day so all was not lost. I give it a 4.0.

Cry Macho 1:44 – 6.3 – Soooo hard to watch a 110 year old Clint pretend he could still break wild horses. Worse than watching John Wayne ride with the reins in his teeth in the back of a truck in True Grit. Every time Clint moved I expected to hear a hip break.  Movie plot made it watchable tho. I give it 5.8.

The Power of the Dog 2:07 – 6.6 – Australian made western set in Montana circa 1920’s. Not really a good movie. It’s just about two brothers running a big ass ranch. I liked the twist at the end but you have to sit through the whole movie to get there. Movie has a Yellowstone vs Brokeback Mountain vibe to it. I give it 5.2. because at least it was a western. Academy award nominee.

The Last Mercenary 1:50 – 6.8 – Listed on Cinema as Action Comedy. When was the last time Jean Claude Van Dam was funny. Like Clint, Jean hasn’t aged that well. Every time he kicked someone I expected his leg to snap. I guess that’s where the comedy came in. Basically the same as any Van Dam movie, his acting hasn’t gotten better with time. I give it 4.8

Injustice 1:18 - 7.9 – Animated DC comics movie with all the DC characters. Superman decides to play god and dispense all the justice in the world and the others try to stop him. Not sure what comic nerds ran this rating up so high. I like comics and still only give it a 5 due to poor acting.

The Trip 1:53 – 6.8 – Normally once I saw that this was a German movie I would have quit on the spot. Glad I hung in. Its funny and yet as gory as any horror flick. Reminds me of Tucker and Dale. I give it 8.5 because it has a some amount of drama at times.

Witch Hunt 1:32 – 7.2 – Woman helps illegal witches across the Mexican border where witchcraft is legal along with fireworks and donkey shows.  Way too dramatic and special effects are mediocre. I wish a witch would make me forget that I watched this. I give it a paltry 3.4.

Snoopy presents Auld Lang Syne :39 – 7.3 – Not sure why this is in the Movies section but it was good if you grew up on the Peanuts specials on TV. The good thing is that even though Charlie Brown is like 75 now, it doesn’t look like he’s aged a bit. And he’s still a good actor. I give it 8.0

Back to the Outback 1:32 – 7.8 – You know I do love my animated movies but this one was a big disappointment. It took me three attempts to get through it because I kept falling asleep. The koala is a little funny but none of the other character are. The animals escape from the zoo to be free. Hmmm. The owners of Madagascar should be suing. I give it 3.0