Barbarian -1:43 - 6.9 I was dismayed to find not a single
broadsword swung nor a flagon of ale drank in this movie. The movie is misnamed
as I didn’t see a single barbarian, just a house with tunnels underneath it.
Super slow start and when it finally starts to get good there’s a bizarre scene
change. I thought maybe I’d had a stroke and missed the end of this movie and
started a new one without remembering it. You finally find out there’s a crazy naked
lady living in the tunnels. And while I enjoy a little nudity in my movies, the
cellar dweller not so much. I found this
film to be grossly overrated by the masses and I give it a 4.0.
Evil Dead
Rise - 1:36 - 7.0
No S-Mart, no Bruce Campbell, no funny lines, no likee. The movie should not have been allowed to use
the franchise’s title. The movie sums up as a possessed woman tortures her
family. Lesson learned, don’t open a book made of human skin with the title Necronomicon. Bad things will most likely be the result. The movie does
have top quality special effects so it’s not some B grade horror flick. And as a slight nod to its origins, a
boomstick and a chainsaw do show up for the final scene which saved the movie
for me. I give it a 5.8.
The Out-Laws - 1:35 - 6.3 The movie starts
out with four strikes against it as I see 1) it’s a Netflix movie 2) it’s a
Happy Madison movie, 3) it’s a wedding movie, 4) Adam Devine is the star. So, I went into this wanting to hate it with
every fiber of my being. I was totally wrong. The movie was hilarious with
great casting including Yondu as the cop. The movie quickly turns from a
wedding movie to an action movie because the new in-laws are out-laws. I know,
clever play on words, right? Seriously this movie is funny and if it isn’t to
you, your sense of humor sucks. I give it an 8.0.
The Wrath of Becky - 1:23 - 6.8 Classic tale of runaway foster girl with some
homicidal tendencies and a big dog who get wronged. Some neo nazis kill her
friend and take her dog. Bad move. Things kinda escalate and a few dead nazis
later. I am left wondering who in the fuck cast Seann William Scott as the ex-navy
seal bad-ass Nazi leader?? Really?? Movie lost a lot of credibility for me
there. Not a terrible movie but overrated
by the masses. I give it 5.8
Little Bone Lodge - 1:33 - 7.9 I had to do it. I
had to know why a low budget looking movie with no stars had such high ratings.
Pretty sick twisted movie. Set in the middle of nowhere England nothing is what
you think it is inside the house. When
you think you’ve figured it out, you haven’t.
I guess if I had to classify it, it would be a horror movie? Good ending. I can’t give it a huge rating
though. I give it 6.0
M3GAN -1:42 - 7.3 Special effects
have come a long way since Chucky but apparently scripts have not. I guess if
you give a doll with artificial intelligence the orders of don’t let anything
bad happen to the little girl, and you forget to install any fail safes into the
program, well you reap what you sew my friend. And if you are going to let it
sing....teach it a decent song. Totally low body count movie with no gore, so
not even a good chucky movie. I don’t know what the raters were thinking. I
give this movie a 5.0
Black Demon - 1:41 - 6.5 Why would a shark
movie other than Jaws have a rating over 5? They are always shot in the murky
depths so you catch glimpses of the beast, but never see it clearly. Jaws at least had real actors and spawned a
whole genre of shark movies, 99% of them totally unwatchable. Just like this one. They try to dress this
one up to make it about the environment and the shark is a vengeful god but you
can’t put lipstick on a pig. As the
daddy tells his family a 20 minute long goodbye as he is about to sacrifice
himself to save them, I nodded in and out. I was sooooo disappointed the shark
didn’t survive to eat them too. A paltry 3.5 for this turd.
Two Sinners and a Mule -- 1:37 - 6.4 Who would have thought a movie about two
whores teaming up with a bounty hunter would be horrible. Well, pretty much
everybody. But I felt the need to watch a western cause I love good westerns.
Ok, imagine this. Take the worst actors/actresses who couldn’t even make it in
porn and give them the worst script ever written for a movie. Throw in a few
Indians who don’t even remotely look Indian. Do some gunfights where nobody can
hit the broadside of a barn. I did love that the bounty hunter got shot in the
back in the opening scene in a white shirt, then wore the same shirt with the
blood stain for the whole movie. I guess they packed light in the old
days. The whores managed to change
clothes though. I can’t believe I made
it thru but at least almost everybody dies in the end. Give it a 1.5
Violent Night - 1:52 - 7.6 The
first 45 minutes, I thought this was the greatest Christmas movie ever. Its basically
Die Hard with Santa as John McClain. Then it really bogs down for about 15
minutes with sentimental drivel. Luckily, it got back on track just as I was
about to lose interest. Throw in some Home Alone booby traps and some Thor hammer
action along with a big finale and you have a movie that I would watch again. I
would agree with the fans but, I have to dock the grade .5 for the 15 minutes
of my life wasted that I’ll never get back and casting John Leguizamo as the
head bad guy. I give it 7.0.
Sisu - 7.6 - 1:31 Basically this movie is one of those
surprise gifts after sitting through so many turds. It’s about the Finnish
version of Rambo. An old Finnish special forces guy just wants to leave war
behind him and dig some gold, but some stupid Nazi’s suck him back in. Bad
mistake on their part. Lots of war, lots of gore. And I got to hear one of my favorite movie
lines “Why won’t you die?” If you are a fan of war movies, gore, impossible
escapes, Nazis, or Finland this is a must see.
I give it 8.5
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